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Agony Uncle

My family expect me to solve everything

My family expect me to solve everything

Family22 September 2026

My family expect me to solve everything

Being the dependable person in the family has gradually turned into being responsible for everybody else.

The letter

Dear Uncle Matt,

I'm the person everyone in my family rings when something goes wrong.

Someone needs taking somewhere, paperwork needs sorting, there's an argument, somebody needs something ordered online or an appointment needs arranging and somehow it becomes my job.

I used to just get on with it, but recently I've started feeling irritated whenever the phone rings because I'm expecting another problem.

I love my family and don't want to be selfish, but I'm tired of being responsible for everybody.

The Reliable One

Matt says

Being helpful and being permanently responsible for other adults are two very different things.

The difficulty is that families quickly become accustomed to roles. If you've spent years being the person who sorts everything out, everyone else may now see asking you as the obvious first step. You may even have unintentionally helped establish that arrangement by always saying yes.

That doesn't mean you have to continue doing it.

Start with the things people can reasonably do themselves. Instead of taking over, tell them how they can sort it out. If someone asks you to make an appointment they are capable of making, give them the number rather than making the call.

You don't need a dramatic announcement that you're no longer helping anybody. Just stop automatically accepting every problem as yours.

There will probably be some resistance because you're changing an arrangement that has been convenient for everybody else. That doesn't make the boundary unreasonable.

Letters may be edited for clarity, length and privacy. Advice on Uncle Matt is personal opinion and general guidance rather than professional medical, legal, financial or mental health advice.

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