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Agony Uncle

I think my best friend is avoiding me

I think my best friend is avoiding me

Friendship22 September 2026

I think my best friend is avoiding me

A long friendship suddenly feels different, with slower replies and repeatedly cancelled plans.

The letter

Dear Uncle Matt,

I've been friends with someone for more than ten years, but during the last few months something has changed.

Messages that used to get a reply almost immediately can now go unanswered for days. We've arranged to meet three times recently and each time they've cancelled.

When we do speak everything seems normal, which makes it even more confusing.

I don't want to become the needy friend who keeps asking what's wrong, but I'm also fed up pretending I haven't noticed. Should I just leave them alone?

Confused Friend

Matt says

There is a fairly large gap between constantly asking somebody what's wrong and asking once because you've noticed that your friendship has changed.

I'd ask them.

Don't make the accusation ‘you're avoiding me’. Tell them what you've noticed. You've been speaking less, plans have repeatedly fallen through and you're wondering whether everything is all right between you.

There could be something happening in their life that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Equally, they may have pulled away for a reason they haven't discussed.

Either way, guessing won't give you an answer.

Ask once and give them an opportunity to be honest. If they say everything is fine but continue making no effort, I'd stop chasing. Friendship doesn't have to be perfectly equal every week, particularly when somebody is having a difficult time, but over the longer term it shouldn't depend entirely on one person keeping it alive.

Letters may be edited for clarity, length and privacy. Advice on Uncle Matt is personal opinion and general guidance rather than professional medical, legal, financial or mental health advice.

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